Tomorrow is appointment day (acupuncture and a new G.I.). I know something needs to change, because I’m in a downhill spiral at the moment. Today, the diarrhea came, and possibly with blood. This happened each time after eating and came with extreme pain. The onset of these new symptoms has caused me to jump to conclusions about ending my natural approach to treatment all together. I want to check in tonight before I make plans with my acupuncturist and doctor, to make sure I have my priorities straight.

When I set out on this natural course of treatment, I knew this would be hard. I also knew I most likely was not going to magically become healed overnight, or even in a few months or possibly years. I want to remember that before I decide to give up and jump back into western meds.

I also want to make sure that I am not being stubborn in sticking with this if it is not the right thing for my body. I know myself, and I am stubborn. I so badly want to prove to everyone that this diet I’ve been preaching about really is working and will work! I want to prove to my doubtful and dismissive GI (whom I’ve since “fired”) that I was right. I want to prove to my family that I don’t need supplementary medication. And I want so badly to show myself that I am not tethered to expensive and dangerous medicines for the rest of my life. I want to believe the hopeful stories, the numerous diets, and the people who claim to have “cured” themselves of Crohn’s disease. But I can’t push myself to the point of causing irreversible damage to my intestines. If this doesn’t work out, I want to be gentle with myself and not see this as a failure.

I hope I can find a balance between seeing this as a possible bump in the road versus accepting that I need to seek further treatment. I want to be able to voice this truth to both my doctors. And maybe what this balance looks like is going back on meds for a time, until I have healed my inflammation, and then weaning off them. Or maybe it means incorporating both western and eastern medicine into my life. Whatever comes of this journey, I’m ending the day feeling at peace with where I am at right now.

-Optimistic Crohnie

spoons: 6/10